Asking for help

Why it is hard

Asking feels like admitting you cannot cope. It feels like a debt. It feels like the other person will say yes out of politeness and resent it. And it takes energy to work out what to ask for, which is the one thing you do not have.

Meanwhile the people around you are standing at the edge of your life with their hands out, with no idea what to do with them. "Anything" is an impossible brief. Nobody can act on anything. They can act on Tuesday.

Make it specific

A good ask has a what, a when, and a how long. "Could you sit with Dad on Tuesday from two to four so I can go to the dentist." "Could you drop a lasagne on Thursday evening, leave it on the step, no need to come in." "Could you take the dog on Saturday morning."

Specific asks are easier to say yes to and easier to say no to, which matters. A no to Tuesday is not a no to you. It means Tuesday does not work, and they will often offer Wednesday.

Match the ask to the person

Some people cook. Some drive. Some are good in a room with a sick person and some are terrified of it and will be more use mowing the lawn. Think about who has offered, and what they are actually like, and ask them for the thing they can do. The friend who is squeamish about illness can still be the one who sorts the recycling and the forms.

Small asks for new helpers. Big ones for people who have shown up before.

Let someone else do the asking

If asking is beyond you, and some weeks it is, hand it to one person. A sister, a friend, a neighbour who likes organising. Tell them what the week needs, and let them send the messages. People will often say yes to a go-between more easily than to you, because the go-between is not the one who is tired.

If you are part of a tree here, that is partly what the calendar is for. You write what would help; the circle sees it and takes it. Nobody has to be asked twice, and you do not have to watch who did not answer.

Accept the yes

When someone does the thing, let them. Do not hover, do not redo it, do not apologise for needing it. Say thank you once. They wanted to help. You let them. That is a kindness in both directions.