Together · 3 min · For caregivers
The first week
The week after a serious diagnosis has its own weather; here is what to hold and what to let go.
Someone you love has been told something serious. Cancer, heart failure, a stroke, dementia, kidney disease, a name you had to look up. The first week is a strange country. Here is a map of it.
The steps
Two small steps,in your own time.
Take a sheet of paper and write three things: the name of the condition as it was said to you, one care-team contact with a phone number, and the next appointment date.
Put it where you will see it every day.
You do not have to understand everything yet
There will be leaflets, websites, phone calls, and people who know someone who had the same thing. You cannot take it all in, and you do not need to. In the first week you need three things: the name of the condition as the doctor said it, the name and number of one person on the care team you can call, and the date of the next appointment. Write them on one page. Stick it on the fridge.
Everything else can wait, including the websites. Especially the websites.
Tell a few people, properly
Pick two or three people and tell them fully, in your own words, how it is. Let them see your face or hear your voice. These are your first circle, and you will need them. Everyone else can hear a shorter version later, from you or from them. You are allowed to say "I'm not up to talking about it" to anyone outside the first two or three.
Keep one thing normal
The bins still go out. The children still have swimming. Choose one ordinary thing to keep exactly as it was, and keep it. It is an anchor for you both. The person who is ill often wants this more than anything: to still be in a house where Thursday is still Thursday.
Start the notebook
One notebook, by the kettle, from day one. Dates, who said what, questions as they come to you at midnight, medicines and times. You will not remember, and the notebook will. Later it becomes the week note. Now it is just where things go so they stop circling.
Watch your own basics
Eat something at every mealtime, even if it is toast. Drink water. Go outside once a day, even to the end of the road. Sleep when you can, and rest when you cannot sleep. This is not self-indulgence. The person you love is about to need you for a long time, and the first week is where people start running on empty without noticing.
It is allowed to be strange
You may feel nothing. You may laugh at the wrong moment. You may be furious at the parking machine and calm with the consultant. None of this means anything about how much you love them. The first week is shock, and shock is odd.
WE · TRIBE
Try itwith someone.
Tell one person you are trying this today, and ask if they would like to do it with you. Small things done side by side are easier to keep.
Try it today
Today, try: write the condition, one contact and the next date on one page, and put it on the fridge.
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