Life events · 15 min
The first anniversary
Birthdays, holidays and the date of a death can feel heavy before they arrive. Planning the day a little can make it easier to bear.
After someone has died, the first birthday, the first holidays and the first anniversary often come with dread in the days before. Sometimes the build-up is harder than the day itself. There is no right way to spend these days, and a little planning can give them some shape.
The steps
Four small steps,in your own time.
A week or so before, ask yourself how you would like to spend the day: with people or alone, busy or quiet, at home or somewhere that meant something.
Choose one small thing to mark it: lighting a candle, visiting a place, cooking their favourite meal, writing them a letter, playing a song they loved.
Tell the people close to you what you have chosen, and what would help, such as a call, a visit, or space.
Plan something gentle for the evening or the day after, because many people feel tired and raw once the day has passed.
The reason
Why it helps
Anniversaries can bring grief back with surprising force, even long after the loss. Knowing in advance how you will spend the day takes away some of the uncertainty. A small ritual gives the feelings somewhere to go, and letting others know means you are less likely to feel forgotten.
A gentle variation
If the person you lost was someone you cared for, the date of their illness or their move into care may also be hard. It is all right to mark those days too, or to change your plans on the day if they no longer feel right.
WE · TRIBE
Try itwith someone.
If others are grieving the same person, ask what each of you would like. Sharing a meal, a walk or stories can be a comfort, and it is fine for people to mark the day in different ways.
Try it today
Today, if a hard date is coming up, write down one small thing you would like to do to mark it.
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