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Four friends of different ages walking arm in arm along a stone street at dusk, one carrying flowers

Together · 5 min

Name the feeling before the fix

When a child is upset, say what you think they are feeling before you try to solve anything.

5 minutesFrom the library, free to readFour steps
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When a child is upset, the natural urge is to fix it quickly: stop the tears, sort the problem, move on. But many children calm faster when they first feel understood. Putting a name to the feeling, out loud, is a small step that often changes what happens next.

The steps

Four small steps,in your own time.

  1. Get down to their level, and pause for a breath before you speak.

  2. Say what you see and guess at the feeling: you look really cross that we have to leave. Or: that sounds disappointing.

  3. Wait. Let them correct you if you got it wrong, and listen to what they say back.

  4. Only then move to what happens next: we still need to go, and you can hold my hand or carry your bag.

The reason

Why it helps

Hearing a feeling named can help a child feel seen, and many children settle more quickly once they do. Over time, children who hear feelings named learn the words for them, which helps them say what is wrong instead of only showing it. Naming a feeling is not the same as agreeing with the behaviour; limits still stay in place.

A gentle variation

For older children and teenagers, keep it short and low-key: that sounds rough. For a child who is very upset, say less and stay close; the words can come later when they are calm.

One hand resting over another on a wooden table

WE · TRIBE

Try itwith someone.

Agree with the other adults who care for your child to try this for one week, and compare notes at the end on what changed.

Make it a plan in HIVELIVE, with WE

Try it today

The next time your child is upset, name what you think they feel before you say anything else.

Add it to your day

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