Together · 3 min · For caregivers
Saying noto visitors, kindly
You are allowed to say who comes and when; here are words that keep the door kind and the house quiet.
People want to come. That is a good thing and a tiring one. The person who is ill may not have the energy for them. You certainly do not have the energy to host them. You are allowed to say no, and to say when.
The steps
Two small steps,in your own time.
Agree with the person you care for, or decide for them if they cannot, the hours and the length of a visit.
Write it as two sentences and send it to the three people most likely to turn up unannounced.
Decide the rules, then say them once
Sit down with the person you care for, if they can, and decide together: which days, which hours, how long, how many at once. Perhaps afternoons only, two to four, one visitor at a time, half an hour. Perhaps no visitors on treatment days. Perhaps only the people they name.
Then tell everyone the same rule, once, in a message to the group or a line at the end of an update: "Visiting is afternoons, two to four, half an hour, one at a time. Please message me the day before so I can tell you if it's a good day." A rule for everyone is not a rejection of anyone.
Words for the day of
"Today isn't a good day. Can we try Thursday?" You do not owe a reason. If you want to give one, keep it short and true: "She's very tired today." If they push, repeat it. "Not today. Thursday." Kind, flat, done.
"Half an hour is about what he can manage, so I'll come and get you at three." Say this at the door on the way in. It makes the ending easy for everyone.
Visitors who help
Some visitors are a rest and some are a job. The ones who sit quietly, bring nothing that needs a vase, make their own tea and leave on time are a rest. Have more of them. If someone asks what to bring, say: "Nothing. Just come and sit. And if you could take the recycling out on your way, that would be a help."
The ones who need entertaining, bring their own troubles, or stay for two hours can be loved from a distance for now. "It's not a good time for visitors, but a card or a message would mean a lot."
The person is allowed to say no too
Make it easy for them. Agree a signal, a hand on the blanket, a word, that means "I'm done," and when you see it, you end the visit, warmly, and take the blame. "I'm going to be the bad guy and call time, he needs a rest." Nobody minds the caregiver being firm. They expect it.
Let someone else be the gate
If you cannot bear to be the one who says no, give the job to a friend. "All visits go through Maria." People accept a gatekeeper who is not the exhausted spouse or daughter.
WE · TRIBE
Try itwith someone.
Tell one person you are trying this today, and ask if they would like to do it with you. Small things done side by side are easier to keep.
Try it today
Today, try: write the visiting rule in two sentences and send it to everyone who has asked to come.
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