Talkingwith children

They already know something is wrong

Children read the house. The quiet phone calls, the new tiredness, the visitors who talk in the kitchen. If nobody explains, they explain it to themselves, and what they come up with is usually worse than the truth and often involves them being to blame. Telling them is not what frightens them. Not being told is.

Use the real words, simply

Say the name of the illness. "Grandpa has a disease called heart failure. It means his heart is not working as well as it should." "Mum has cancer. That is when some cells in the body grow in a way they shouldn't, and the doctors are giving her strong medicine to fight them." A child who knows the word can ask about it. A child who hears "poorly" cannot.

Match the amount to the age. A four-year-old needs two sentences and a cuddle. A ten-year-old needs the two sentences and room to ask. A teenager needs the truth, including the uncertain bits, and the right not to talk about it right now.

The three things every child needs to hear

That it is not their fault and nothing they did or thought caused it. That they cannot catch it. And that they will be looked after, whatever happens, and who by. Say these plainly and more than once. They are the questions children carry and rarely ask.

Do not promise what you do not know

"Everything will be fine" is a promise you may not be able to keep, and children remember. Say what is true: "The doctors are doing everything they can, and I will always tell you what is happening." If the outlook is uncertain, you can say that too, in their language: "We don't know yet how this will go. When we know more, I will tell you."

Keep talking

One conversation is not enough. Children take information in pieces, and they bring the next question at the oddest moments, often in the car or at bedtime. Answer it then, briefly, and leave the door open. "You can ask me anything about this, any time."

Let them help in small, real ways: carrying a tray, choosing the music, drawing a picture for the wall. Being useful is the best answer to feeling powerless, at any age.

Tell the school

One quiet conversation with the teacher means the child has an adult outside the house who knows, and you have someone watching for changes you might miss.