Together · 3 min · For caregivers
When the personis angry
Illness makes people angry, and the anger lands on whoever is closest, which is you; here is how to stand in it without being knocked over.
They snapped at you about the soup. They said something cruel about how you do everything wrong. They told you to leave and then were furious that you did. You are doing all this for them, and they are angry with you. This is about why, and what to do.
The steps
One small step,in your own time.
The next time anger comes at you, say one sentence: "I can hear you're angry." Then step out for ten minutes if it is safe to, make a drink, and come back when you have both settled.
It is usually not about you
Serious illness takes away control, dignity, plans, the body a person knew. What is left is often fear and fury, and it comes out at the nearest safe person. You are safe. They know, somewhere, that you will not leave over the soup. That is why it is you and not the consultant.
Some illnesses and some medicines change mood and temper directly. Steroids, pain, poor sleep, infections, and conditions that affect the brain can all make a kind person sharp. If the anger is new or out of character, tell the care team. It may be a symptom.
In the moment
Lower your voice rather than raising it. Slow down. Keep your body side-on rather than square, and give them space. You do not have to answer the content. "I can hear you're angry" is enough. You do not have to agree that you did everything wrong. You also do not need to prove you did not. Arguments about facts with someone who is frightened go nowhere.
If it is safe, you can leave the room. "I'm going to make a tea. I'll be back in ten minutes." Not a punishment. A pause. Most anger burns out faster in an empty room.
Afterwards
Let it go if you can, and do not pretend it did not happen if you cannot. "That was hard earlier. I know you're not angry at me really, but it hurt." Many people will apologise. Some cannot, and you have to decide whether to carry it or set it down. Setting it down is allowed.
Write it in the notebook. Not for revenge: for the pattern. If the anger clusters around certain times, medicines or symptoms, that is useful for the doctor.
Protect yourself
Nobody has to be shouted at every day, even by someone they love who is very ill. If it is constant, say so to the care team and to someone who can help you get breaks. If there is ever any threat or violence, your safety comes first: leave, and call for help.
Your own anger
You will be angry back. At them, at the illness, at the person who has not called. That is the next page.
WE · TRIBE
Try itwith someone.
Tell one person you are trying this today, and ask if they would like to do it with you. Small things done side by side are easier to keep.
Try it today
Today, try: next time they snap, lower your voice, say "I can hear you're angry," and give it ten minutes before you answer anything.
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